We live in a world where standards are constantly on display. Scroll through Instagram or TikTok and you’ll see it everywhere: proclamations that scream confidence—“I’m a queen, I deserve it all!”, “No texting first—he has to prove he’s worthy!”, “I won’t settle for less than luxury, love, and attention 24/7!” At first glance, these posts feel empowering. They’re bold, unapologetic, and demand respect. And sometimes, that boldness is necessary.

Many of us have been silenced, overlooked, or out of alignment with our needs for so long that loudly claiming what we deserve can feel like reclamation. But here’s the nuance: there’s a difference between proclaiming your standards from a place of nervous-system activation and embodying them from a place of calm, inner authority. 

Performative energy is natural, and it can be a first step toward embodying your standards more fully. But let's not stop there!

The Trap of Performative Queen Energy

Performative queen energy is everywhere online. It’s the “look at me, see me, admire me” energy—the bold declarations, viral captions, and staged photos that shout self-worth for an audience. Examples include:

• Instagram captions like “If you don’t treat me like a queen, swipe left” paired with a perfectly styled brunch photo.

• TikTok videos listing “dealbreakers” with dramatic reenactments and trending sounds, emphasizing “princess treatment only.”

• Viral posts with numbered lists: “10 ways he must prove he deserves me” accompanied by text overlays, bold fonts, and sound effects.

• Stories where someone posts screenshots of texts or dates, highlighting every small gesture—or lack thereof—as a reflection of their worth.

At first, this can feel powerful. And it is—sometimes we need to claim our standards loudly to remind ourselves that we matter. But the problem arises when the energy behind it is rooted in ego or performance rather than embodiment.

The difference is subtle but profound. One feels like a show, the other feels like a presence. Performative energy can be useful as a first step—especially if you’ve been silenced or out of alignment—but it’s only a starting point. True queen energy settles in the nervous system. It’s about holding your standards with calm confidence, not broadcasting them for applause.

The giveaway: Performative energy relies on attention and validation. It often comes with judgment toward others (“If he doesn’t do X, he’s not worthy”) or the need to prove superiority. You feel loud, visible, and validated only if the audience notices you. This is not real empowerment—it’s a performance, and it can disconnect you from authentic connection.

From Yelling to Settling

Many of us start with a loud, high-energy proclamation of our standards because our nervous system has been triggered by past disempowerment. This is the “yelling for a reset” phase. It’s a surge of energy that says: “I’ve been overlooked for too long—I will be seen now!”  This isn’t about shaming bold declarations—sometimes we need to shout to reclaim alignment.

But true alignment happens as your nervous system settles. Here’s what that looks like:

• Body: You feel calm, steady, and rooted rather than tight, racing, or reactive.

• Communication: Your boundaries are clear and firm without needing to broadcast them or defend them.

• Connection: You can discern between ego-driven reactions and actual safety.

Think of it like turning down the volume after a loud alarm. The alarm (your “yell”) was necessary to alert the system, but staying on high alert indefinitely keeps you reactive rather than aligned.

What if this is just my personality?

Sometimes we proclaim our standards loudly or feel the urge to assert our worth. But there’s a difference between:

1. Yelling for a reset — a temporary surge of energy to reclaim alignment after being out of sync with your needs.

2. Your personality expression — the natural, consistent way you communicate that reflects your true self, not your nervous system reacting.

Here’s how to tell the difference:

Duration and Energy Flow

• Reset: Feels intense and urgent. Your body might tighten, heart race, stomach knot. This energy fades as your nervous system settles.

• Personality: Feels steady, calm, and natural, even in everyday interactions. There’s no pressure or spike—you simply operate this way.

Motivation Behind the Expression

• Reset: Often comes from past disempowerment or urgency. Ego may show up—“I need you to see me, respect me, prove my worth.”

• Personality: Comes from clarity, internal security, and natural self-expression. No need to prove anything—it’s just who you are.

Aftermath

• Reset: Once the energy fades, you might feel tired, raw, or reflective. You may even notice shame or embarrassment at how intense you were.

• Personality: You feel grounded, calm, and aligned. Others sense authenticity rather than performance.

A reset is reactive and temporary, designed to reclaim alignment. Personality is embodied and steady, a reflection of a nervous system in sync with your true self.

So, maybe you’re naturally loud, bold, and unapologetic. That’s okay. That isn't the issue and there is no shame in living loud!

The key is noticing whether your energy is coming from alignment or reaction, and learning to hold your standards in a way that protects you without creating unnecessary tension or performative pressure.

Over time, many of those “reset yells” transform into quiet, confident, and embodied expression—the kind that attracts aligned connection without needing an audience.

Seeing Beyond the Screen

The tricky part today is that much of this queen energy lives behind a screen. Someone may post confident, bold declarations online—but in real life, they may be reactive, anxious, or ego-driven. Social media allows us to perform power without having to embody it.

Next time you interact with someone—online or in person—notice:

• Are they grounded and consistent, or does their energy shift depending on who’s watching?

• Are they embodying their standards, or proclaiming them to prove themselves?

• Does being around them feel safe and connected, or performative and exhausting?

This awareness helps you choose relationships that are real, grounded, and aligned with your nervous system—not flashy or performative.

How to Hold Standards Without Ego

To keep your standards as protection, not performance, try this:

1. Check your energy. Are your standards coming from fear, ego, or past disempowerment—or from calm self-respect?

2. Notice judgment creeping in. Feeling “better than” someone who doesn’t meet your standards is a red flag.

3. Stay curious. People grow and change—your standards don’t have to reject potential.

4. Use standards as guidance, not walls. Boundaries communicate what you need without demanding blind obedience.

The Bottom Line

Standards are your ally—they protect you, honor you, and create space for genuine connection. The work isn’t just in yelling them; it’s in settling into them, embodying them, and noticing the energy behind them. That’s when standards stop being a show and start being real safety, real alignment, and real intimacy.

And here’s the key: when your nervous system settles—the good kind—you no longer need to shout, prove, or perform. You simply live your standards from a place of calm, confidence, and inner safety. That’s when your power is quiet, steady, and deeply aligned with who you truly are.

Journal Prompts

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  When I proclaim my standards—online or in real life—what energy am I coming from: alignment, ego, or reaction?

• Can I identify moments when my “queen energy” felt performative? How did my body feel in those moments?

• When have I embodied my standards quietly, without needing validation or applause? What did that feel like in my nervous system?

• What are the subtle differences between needing to prove my worth and simply living my standards?

• How do I notice when I’m comparing myself to others’ standards or performances online?

• Where in my life could I let my standards settle into calm, confident alignment rather than being loud or performative?

• How do I discern the difference between my natural personality (loud, bold, unapologetic) and reactive energy that wants attention?

• What boundaries do I need to hold for my nervous system’s safety, even if no one else sees or validates them?

Take the Next Step

If you want to dive deeper into reclaiming your nervous system and embodying your standards, check out my free mini-course on Udemy. It’s designed to help you:

• Understand your nervous system in relationships

• Distinguish between performative and embodied standards

• Align with your true self without ego or flash

👉 Access the Free Mini-Course on Udemy